A few days ago, my ex called. Yes, the ex. The one who broke my heart beyond repair, the one who left unjustly scars on my soul, and the one who escaped.
I bet you know exactly who I’m talking about. Let’s face it: which woman hasn’t had at least one of those in the past?
What did he want? You must be wondering Well, what could a toxic man like him want from the woman who once loved him like there was no tomorrow?
If someone who didn’t know him had heard our conversation (yes, I picked up the phone), they’d think he was a changed man trying to fix things.
Or maybe he wants to come back because he finally realized I’m the woman of his dreams?
But I know him better than that. I know this was nothing but a desperate attempt to make sure I’m still there.
An attempt to check if it will shake my world any time it appears in my life unexpectedly.
It was his way of seeing if he could still count on me. An effort to increase his fragile ego once again and prove to both of us that I will wait for him with my arms open every time.
However, this is not important now. I discovered this man a long time ago, and nothing he does or says can surprise me.
However, what surprised me were my emotions.
For the first time, I didn’t shudder when I saw his number on my phone display.
I didn’t feel the butterflies fluttering in my belly, and I didn’t feel like running toward it as if nothing bad had happened between us.
That must mean I’m over this guy, right? Did I finally stop loving him? Did the miracle finally happen?
Can that be true? If I was, I wouldn’t feel that burning pain anywhere inside me anymore every time I think of everything he’s done to me.
Then he hit me: I got over this man – I did not overcome the pain he caused me. My old wounds are still alive, not because I still have feelings for him, but because I never had the closure I needed.
But how can you find closing with someone who has a totally different point of view from yours? How can I get an explanation from a man who’s convinced he’s never done me any harm?
The answer is, I can’t and Never will. Instead, I have to write the end of this chapter myself. After all, that’s the art of finding closure for old wounds – you accept that there is closure.
I’m never going to get a logical explanation for everything that happened between us. This man will never give me a valid answer to my unanswered questions.
I’ll never find out why he feels the need to invade my life from time to time. I’ll never know why he wouldn’t let me go sooner when he knew very well that he could never give me what I wanted.
All I have left to do is deal with my crap on my own.
The first step in my healing journey is forgiveness. I have to forgive him for being an idiot who threw me, and then, I have to forgive myself for choosing so badly and for being so stupid.
More importantly, I have to accept that this guy was never the man I thought he was. He doesn’t have a good side hidden in his personality, without repressed emotions.
There is not a heart well hidden under all layers of indifference and toxicity.
After I can do that, I have to let him go. I have to put aside the memory of us, and more importantly, I have to stop obsessing about what could and should have been.
And then, I have to stop answering the phone when the past calls me. It is a well-known fact that you should keep your wounds clean if you want them to heal properly.
I have to accept that things happened exactly the way they were supposed to. Despite all this, there’s a reason I was part of this poisonous novel: to learn a lesson.
There was no other way to find out that all wounds can be healed. You just have to know the trick of how to do it.
Leave a Reply