You only know the real emotional pain when someone you love hurts you and causes you a heartbreak that you didn’t even know existed.
Having a loved one tear ing away your heart and not taking responsibility for the near-physical pain they caused results in many negative feelings.
Here, we will discuss the most effective ways to deal with this burden.
Waiting for you not to have hurt feelings when someone hurts you is one of the worst parts of dealing with this situation.
I remember the great heartbreak I went through when my partner of almost three years left me just a few days before our anniversary.
The breakup was excruciating enough, but he expected me to just forgive and forget when the hurt was too raw.
As if putting aside your significant other, then just putting a smile the next day was somehow normal… But it taught me a few things.
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Can we somehow learn from pain?
Nothing ever goes away until you’ve taught us what we need to know. – Chödrön Pema
I firmly believe that is true. Pain is here to teach us lessons we never knew we needed. And as hard as it sounds sometimes, it ends up turning you into a stronger individual.
Whoever caused your pain, the discomfort you feel afterward is as painful as it is enlightening.
Maybe it was your best friend who decided you weren’t good enough for them anymore.
Maybe it was a co-worker with whom you believe you have created a lasting bond, only to hear them speak ill of you in the office.
Sometimes it is a family member who shows his true feelings towards you the first time you dare to put your mental health above your incessant demands.
Pain is universal. No living being on this earth is exempt from being under the sporting of devastating emotional pain.
However, most people can’t see beyond what they feel at a given time. For most, pain is a major inconvenience that wreaks havoc on your life and causes them to spend time trying to deal with it.
It is in our nature to long for pleasure and waits for the pain to surround us. It’s embedded in our brain that pain is an uncomfortable feeling that does nothing but hurt us.
But have you ever stopped to think about what pain can teach you?
Pain is your body’s sign that changes need to be made. No matter what kind of pain, it’s a sign that appropriate measures need to be taken to get better and more resilient.
When you face your pain head-on, instead of suppressing it and letting it burn from the inside, you have the advantage.
Ignoring it does nothing good, but being proactive puts you in charge of this negative experience. It requires a strong will, a lot of courage, and determination to get up and get off the other side.
Personally, when I come up with enormous pain, I wonder: How can I use this hard and negative experience as a means for personal introspection?
In the back of my mind, I always try to think of ways that will allow positivity to find me and help me regain self-love before I run out.
Let’s be honest – pain leads us to see things from a different point of view.
This makes you take a step back, reassess the situation and find out how you contributed to where you are currently. It makes you see the big picture and what matters at that moment.
Sometimes you will find it difficult to see what you are trying to teach you and other times, it will be as clear as day. Ask yourself this:
Why is this happening to me?
How have I made my current disposition affect?
How can I let this become more careful and stronger in the future?
See also: Why we hurt the people we love: 11 hidden reasons
7 techniques to help you cope when someone hurts you
1. CONSIDER WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AND DON’T REACT INSTINCTIVELY
It’s normal to let your instincts guide you when someone you love hurts you.
At this particular time, it’s hard to keep a cool, serene head and we often let our hearts take control.
After all, we’re just human.
And most of the time, your instinct gives you a pretty clear indication of what happened and how you should respond.
However, I encourage you to try to find the possible hidden truth to make sure you are not letting the old pain affect your current reaction.
True love makes us blind sometimes. I mean, what do you do when the person you hoped to spend eternity with takes you by surprise with the pain you’ve never seen coming?
However, after the initial and overwhelming reaction passes you through and allow you to see things as they are, only then you should react appropriately.
Remember, it’s always better to react intentionally rather than instinctively. It may look good for a second, but in the grand scheme of things, it won’t bring closure.
2. DON’T ASSUME YOU’RE ALWAYS RIGHT
Remember – there are two sides to each story. Although no one is denying your pain, consider all possible perspectives before stating that you are right.
The need to be always right can result from past unfortunate experiences of emotional abuse.
This may have prevented you from giving up control and hoping to always be on the right side of the story.
However, the truth is that everyone has the right to be heard and understood.
Different opinions are anything but unusual and, in such situations, it is important to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Can you try to see things from their perspective? What could have caused them to cause pain (possibly unintentionally)?
It’s okay to disagree, but for your emotional well-being, it’s crucial to see things for who they are and not what you need them to be.
When someone you love hurts you so deeply, it’s normal to be vulnerable and hesitant to admit that they had something to do with it.
But you will have to dig deep to see how your actions may have led to that current state.
Yes, it hurts and yes, you’re entitled to your pain. But don’t be the one who throws the first stone. We all have our faults and no story is as simple as we’d like it to be.
You can still get hurt and be broken even if you’re able to admit that it somehow contributed to how it all turned out.
See also: How to make a person dodge miss you: 10 proven techniques
3. KNOW THAT SOMETIMES THE OTHER PERSON IS BEYOND SALVATION
A real change in our mind, body, and soul has to come from within. It is not and should never be affected by external factors.
A change will never be what you need it to be until you are ready to happen. The change in your psyche happens when you and only you come to certain achievements.
And one of those things is that other people can’t be changed, no matter how hard you try for it.
If they’re not ready, it just won’t happen. Circumstances have to be right and your willpower has to be strong.
You can’t carry someone else’s emotional burden on your back.
When someone you love hurts you, it’s that person who needs to grow up. And all on their own.
You can poke them, encourage them and just be there for them, but it’s up to them whether or not they let that experience improve their behavior or push them further into the rabbit hole.
A person has to be willing to make an intentional decision to push a button. The only question is, do they want to be different? Do they want to learn from their mistakes?
If they don’t, there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not your job to carry them toward your happily ever after. It’s not your job to save them.
And the hardest pill to swallow is this: some people just can’t be saved.
No matter what you do, they will always choose to be the villain of your story. No matter how much you want them to improve for them and you, it won’t happen.
You can offer your unwavering support if you decide to forgive them. You can be the voice of reason if they need to. But the hard work is theirs and theirs alone.
4. TAKE YOUR MISTAKES THAT MAY HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR PAIN
Introspection is a good thing. It encourages personal growth, makes you feel liberated, and allows you to mature without holding a childish grudge.
However, when reassessing this situation, be 100 percent sure that we are talking about a legitimate error. Don’t be coerced into admitting something that wasn’t done by you.
Also, don’t let your past negative experiences affect how you react to your current situation.
Just because you may have been hurt in the past, you don’t get a free pass to skate guilt-free during this whole ordeal.
You can’t treat the other person because of your difficult past.
Recognize that they are not to blame for what you’ve been through. They’re not the ones who hurt you or contributed to your anxiety or fear of being around someone.
Although you are entitled to your pain, it does not mean that you are never to blame, so always admit your mistakes without pointing the finger where they do not belong.
We’ve all been shaped by our past, some negatively, others positively, but that’s no excuse for not being a decent human being.
I’m sure you’re aware of this now, so simply remember to apologize when an apology is due.
Sometimes that’s all you need for a clean slate.
See also: Using the power of words wisely will change your life
5. THINK, EVALUATE, AND RESPOND
After your initial reaction stops, give yourself a fair chance to press pause and think hard about what just happened.
Wait a while before you do or say something you might regret. Sometimes that’s the key to a new and revealing point of view.
That way, you start to regain control of the situation. Simply reacting, you’re just adding fuel to the fire. And we all know that’s not good.
Their past experiences may have caused certain triggers that the other person unconsciously activates with their actions. But remember – they don’t know they’re doing it, only you know.
Therefore, stop, think, evaluate, and respond appropriately, as this ability will allow your reaction to having more meaning and power.
Educate them about how they are making you feel, even if they are oblivious to it (and rightly so). A person cannot know what goes on in his mind until you tell them.
Help them understand how and why this is making you feel that way.
As I have said, true love can be blind, and sometimes it is up to you to open your eyes to the reality of your actions and help them help you.
That doesn’t justify their behavior, but it means they may have been completely inadvertent. Yes, they caused emotional pain, but they didn’t know they were pressing their buttons.
And the good thing is that now, after hearing your side of the story, they will surely know better in the future.
6. BUILD BRIDGES, NOT WALLS!
What exactly does that mean? It’s pretty simple really. Don’t take a defensive stance and build walls around your heart.
Instead, take a stand fueled by a feeling of love, forgiveness, and acceptance!
That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re okay with being hurt. Far from it. But it is much better than having a hostile attitude that does not allow growth and leaves no room for forgiveness.
It is easier to deal with unpleasant situations when you open your heart, mind, and soul. Once you consciously practice a positive attitude, it will help you find your way into the darkness.
Your actions are not justified by this and you do not need to forgive and forget until you are completely ready.
You are simply deciding to react in a calm way that will bring you more peace than a defensive posture ever could.
Build bridges, not walls. Invite forgiveness, not resentment. Let people atone for their mistakes rather than being bitter and resentful.
After leaving room for possible reconciliation, you will immediately notice great relief in your heart.
Not to mention that the chances of the person who hurt you walking towards you rather than walking away from you are extremely high.
Take the highest road. Be the bigger person. Show your will and ability to forgive and give second chances.
Not all the heart is capable of it, but it costs nothing to be kind, even in the face of horrible pain, and shows great strength and resilience on your part.
See also: The 10 most obvious signs that your ex is pretending to have outdone you
7. THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS SHOULD NEVER AFFECT THEIR OVERALL HAPPINESS
The most comforting thing I’ve noticed as I contemplate this is this…
YOU are responsible for your happiness. Not your best friend, not your partner, not your family. You’re the only one who chooses how you’re going to react and what your attitude will be.
If you are going through a heartbreak that might as well not have been intentional, ask yourself: Why am I adamant in holding this pain and therefore extending your damage to me?
This should give you a clear idea of what your next course of action should be. Letting go is not easy, but it is very necessary if you want to be happy and at peace.
On the other hand, if you endured the intentional pain of a loved one that you managed to forgive, this is what you need to ask yourself: If the damage is done and mistakes are forgiven, why am I making myself relive it repeatedly?
And finally, if the pain was too intentional and you still couldn’t forgive them, do the following:
Ask yourself if this person is worth the pain you are feeling right now. Do they deserve to occupy such a large part of your mind?
I think you’ll find that in most cases you don’t. And then, you’ll find a way to overcome that for you and your inner peace.
No one deserves to be the cause of your unceasing pain. So you forgive them, but you don’t allow them back into your heart.
That way, you can move on with a clear conscience, minus a toxic person.
Soon, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders and life will become bearable again.
You can’t protect yourself from pain, but you can let it bring about positive change.
There’s no getting around it. Sooner or later, the pain will find him. All your hard work, self-love, and perseverance will be questioned when someone you love hurts you.
However, this pain does not define you. If you choose to look calmly, from a rational point of view, this can bring you peace.
Forgiving is not easy, but you don’t do it for them – you do it for yourself.
Doesn’t that make it a little easier?
After enduring this pain, you can choose who to let in and who never comes near. Your life changes positively and your heart can recover.
You got hurt, but you managed to get out the other side. Now you are stronger and more resilient and your self-love is thriving. What more can you ask for?
At the end of the day, you win. You can move on with a clean slate, consciously choosing happiness over anything that takes it away.
We can’t control the world. We can only (evil) control our reactions to it. Happiness is largely a choice, not a right or right. – David C. Hill
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